Player Journals from Session 69

From the Diary of Caryatid:

Dear Granny,

You will not believe the adventures I have been having with my cohorts since we travelled to that insanely stupid monastery in the mountains. The “monks” turned out to be were-rats of sorts. We did manage to free an imprisoned Religion-y Wizard who seemed more like an ancient monk relic; and retrieved the stupid lantern for the Religion-y Witch who sent us on that stupid quest. The only good part of that adventure was that in liberating the monastery, I seem to have adopted an adorable like monkey. I call him Marcel. He is fiercely devoted and so darn cute. Much like your cat, You, but doesn’t sleep under my hat like You does. I’ve had him fitted with his own customized fez. This lovable creature is so loyal, that he went berserk, ape-shit crazy if you will, when I was killed by an insane Hippie. Yeah, I died. BUT, I lived! Well, I was resurrected actually. I’m fine now so no worries there.

I’ve begun to grow my collection of magical items including a ring which allows me to become invisible, and an interesting wand which, I surmise, invokes random magick, since it never produces the same result twice. It once shrunk me to the size of doll, but the effects were not lasting, I’m normal again. I’ve also learned a spell to lock doors. I’ve recently used this to lock a secret back door to the apartment my twin has, who’s magick has become increasingly concerning.

Since the trip to the mountains, we have encountered so very many strange and dangerous creatures, I cannot possibly list them all. But we are back in the city of Idalium again. I think one of the reasons we have survived as long as we have (ok truth be told, our membership has changed quite a bit since I last wrote to you due to premature death, so not all survived), is because we change our name with nearly every adventure: The Infestation Managers, Gong Inspectors, Bong Inspectors, Furniture Disassemblers, Dong Inspectors (you don’t really want an explanation for any of these names). That grumpy, annoying dwarf, Goo-lick, who causes all the trouble died too on that dumb quest we joined with him, but sadly, the Religion-y Witch resurrected him.

On a happier note, we have created an alliance of sorts with the adorable little gnomes who were instrumental in our scheme to retrieve a valuable demon statue. The happy little guys are just too much fun to have around. Speaking of too much fun to have around, I have employed a new companion, a cleric mostly, kind of. His name is Br. Chase Pike, but everyone seems to like to call him Br. Beefcake. And oh boy, he is rather aesthetically appealing. And so strong too! Mostly because the generous wages he receives from me allow him to work out and keep his hair highlights perfect.

We continue to finance our adventures by collecting treasure, so I don’t need to ask for any coins. But I do want to learn a spell that will give my dear Marcel wings. I’ll plan a trip to Bad Ass soon, perhaps we can go to the Unseen University with Nanny Ogg and Magrat. I remain inspired by your sense of magick and continue to do what’s Right. I’m off now for drinks with Tod at The Squeaky Barnacle.

Cary

P.S. Don’t let an overambitious dwarf talk you into spending a bazillion gold coins for a fancy rolling casket only to leave it behind while escaping  mountain trolls. And keep poison attached to your horse in case you need to sacrifice it to dragons. Life lessons learned.

Being a reprint from the Reminiscences of Tod P. Quasit:

I awoke from my hibernation naturally hungry and having to pee very badly. The full beard I expected was absent. As was my penis. I was still a woman. A tall handsome strong woman. I am proud. I think, perhaps, I will drink again from the fountain and see if I might return to my former gender. Not that there's anything wrong with being a woman.

Anyhow, after a long slow meal at the Gut and Trough, I went to look up Jibber.  Apparently he had just returned from a mission to convert the heathens to the north. From the looks of him he was not very successful. I didn't press the subject. 

We agreed to look up our old friends in our famous group, The Proper Authorities. They were hanging around The Rusty Lantern and welcomed us back happily. That was nice. I was afraid after being away so long they might not want us back.  But there were orcs to kill, Goblins to kill. Lurg was still down there. It was time to deal with that festering knob. 

My good friend Gullick was very keen to buy barrels of oil. His plan was to burn the orcs out of their nest by rolling the punctured barrels down the stairs and lighting the trail of oil and then KABOOM! That's how he put it. KABOOM! He was very enthusiastic. As enthusiastic as he gets anyhow.

So we went down into the UnderCity with the barrels. We dropped them somewhat unsuccessfully into the pit the Gnomes had dug for us. I got oil spilled all over me. That was nice.

Before we got to the stairs to drop our barrels, we encountered two asswipe orcs and started talking to them until Gullick and I had had enough. I killed one pretty quickly but somehow the other one managed to escape and call for help. An orc that looked a lot like me, okay, was a duplicate of me, came out complaining about how he had been abandoned and only the orcs were his friend. A fight ensued. Somehow I was set on fire. It hurt. A lot. 

We dropped a barrel into their nest and it went KABOOM! Then we went down to investigate. There were six orcs left and Lurge. We managed to kill them all. Okay, the magic users hit them with sleep spells and magic missiles. Then we killed them all. 

There was a pit with two huge snakes that for some reason were completely harmless. They fought each other, one of them killed the other and then just sat there to be killed. Wait.  I think Gullick and the new guy were using those animal control rights. Yes! That explains it. Anyhow, two dead snakes. I should have harvested their meat. I understand snake meat can be delicious. Oh well. Next time.

There were two other orcs and an crazy man. Apparently the orcs looked a lot like party members so we kept them in hopes of curing the orc. Curing the orc. When will they ever learn?  Anyhow, we looted the place and found a butt load of treasure.  

We also found a room where they make the Rage Dust. Apparently it's mummified and ground up dead orc. NICE.  We used the other barrel to blow that place up.

Then we returned to the Rusty Lantern. I was feeling really good about things. It was nice to get back to Adventuring.

Jibber and I celebrated with another huge meal at the Feathered Goat.  I had the goat.