Session date: Monday, August 14, 2017
Game date: Saturday, November 15, 209
PCs:
Gulleck Stonefoot, Dwarf 6, hp 37, xp 35126/70000
Caryatid, Magic-user 4, hp 19, xp 16881/20000
Simon Sackwell, Halfling 3, hp 11, xp 5706/8000
Adrien, Fighter 3, hp 9, xp 4963/8000
Retainers:
Manley "Meat" Smythe, Fighter 3, hp 17, xp 5588/8000
Brother Chase Pike, Cleric 2, hp 11, xp 2547/3000
Orin, Elf 1, hp 4, xp 381/4000
Debbi, Magic-user 1, hp 6, xp 650/2500
So our intrepid adventurers gathered together and pooled all their money to see if they could afford to get Gulleck's "condition" reversed, as she seemed to be permanently stuck at the height of six inches. Her stalwart henchman Meat had to carry her around in a shoebox! They ended up going to the Great Cathedral to plead their case with Father Merrimoon, who happily informed them that for a low, low donation of 7,500 silver shekels, Gulleck could be cured of this curse.
"Isn't there a discount rate or something?" grumbled Caryatid.
"That is the discount rate," replied Father Merrimoon. "The Church has not forgotten the great service you provided to us in retrieving the Holy Lantern, and we have committed to making our services available to you at half the usual suggested donation."
They grumbled about it some more, but paid up, and Father Merrimoon led Meat with Gulleck in the shoebox into a small, peaceful room with a curtained cot. Meat placed the box on the cot, and he and Father Merrimoon left the room, the latter telling Gulleck to wait quietly and that Elder Engelbert would be with him shortly. Gulleck waited nervously, looking up at the ceiling visible from the open top of the box. Soon, the door opened, and a very elderly priest loomed into Gulleck's view. His hair was white and bushy, and his eyes were screwed up myopically. He peered down into the box at Gulleck.
"My my my, what's happened to you, young lady?"
"Just a bit of bad luck," chirped Gulleck.
"I imagine so! Well, we'll have you right-wise in no time. Just try to relax and let's get started."
Elder Engelbert dabbed ointments on Gulleck with an enormous (relatively so) brush, and sprinkled her with holy water, which pelted down and chilled her to the bone. Then he began murmuring prayers over her, the intensity rising and falling. At times he grew so quiet Gulleck was worried he had nodded off, but then his quavering voice would boom out, jolting her.
And then rather abruptly he finished.
"There you are. I'll ask your friends to come in and retrieve you. May the all-pervading light be with you, daughter."
Gulleck didn't feel any bigger, but over the next few hours she grew as steadily as she had shrunk and by the end of the day she was back to her full height and all was well again in the party, albeit they were all a bit lighter in the pockets.
Two weeks later the party regrouped at the Rusty Lantern. They were in the mood to harass the goblins some more, and the proposal was made to go to the palace of the Goblin King and lock them in with Caryatid's Wizard Lock spell. What a gas that would be! I don't know, I try to remind them that the aim of the game is to find treasure, but sometimes these players are more interested in just narking off the bad guys and laughing about it afterwards.
So down into the dungeon they went, heading for the stairs down to the second level in the Temple of Hedonism, which turned out to be very busy: there was a full-fledged orgy going on in the basement! (The "2% orgy room" lived up to its name as I rolled within that 2% for the second time in the campaign.) The adventurers knocked and were invited in, but said they were simply passing through, and walked carefully through the room, averting their eyes and dodging furniture and sweaty bodies as they made their way to the north door.
Once past the temple, the party moved quickly into the caves to the east and eventually came to the grand double doors that were the entrance to the Goblin King's palace. Barely suppressing her glee, Caryatid spoke the words of Wizard Lock and sealed the palace doors shut. None would be able to open them except her. Then they huddled and conferred in hushed tones about what to do next, and it seemed that a plan formed to enter the palace and take down the Goblin King. After what he had done to the urchins (Gulleck still felt guilty that they had never rescued the missing urchins from the goblins), it was clear that whatever peace they had once had with the goblins was at an end. The Goblin King would die today!
So they went in through the big doors, and four tall lanky bugbears goggled down at them, standing guard before the interior door.
"What business do you have with His Royal Majesty, the King of Goblins?"
"Uh... we'd like an audience with him."
"And who are you?"
"We're called Rugger's Raiders!" announced Gulleck, cleverly implicating the rival adventuring party, if things went south.
Then the bugbears checked a big guestbook near the doors and turned back to the group.
"His Majesty is expecting you. Please leave all of your weapons here. They will be returned to you on your departure."
Well, this was somewhat unexpected. The party members whispered urgently to each other, and somehow decided to leave their weapons with the bugbears. So much for the big plan!
"Walk this way," hooted one of the bugbears, and led the party into the interior of the Goblin Palace. It was as confusing as the last time they had been here. Corridors led past strange furniture at intervals: a giant stuffed bird, a tall glass tank full of strange and unusual fish, a mahogany writing desk. The bugbears took them on a bizarre circuitous route, and the party had no hope of even remembering the twists and turns, let alone mapping it. Finally, they arrived at an ornate pair of doors. One of the bugbears opened the doors, stepped inside, and announced, "Rugger's Raiders, to seek an audience with His Majesty the Goblin King!"
The party was ushered into a large throne room. Hobgoblins and goblins clustered near a rococo throne, upon which sat the Goblin King himself, clad in a bejeweled doublet, tight leather breeches, fishnet hose, and high leather boots. The party was brought forward to stand before the King.
"Well, well, well! Rugger's Raiders! How fare you all? It's good to see you again, 'Rugger'." He winked at Gulleck. "You've changed a bit since the last time I had the pleasure of seeing you, though. I like it, it's a good look for you."
It was all very awkward. Obviously, they hadn't quite thought this through. The Goblin King seemed more amused by their attempted deception than anything, though.
"My son is quite annoyed with you, I must say. He says you were very rude to him, and then you led his people to the house of that green witch, who fireballed them to death. Although frankly, I find that quite a lark! But don't tell my son I said so." Another wink.
"You know, it's a shame you're not Rugger and his group. I was hoping to see him and hear his response to my proposal."
"Er... what proposal?" asked Gulleck.
"Oh, I'd be happy to make the same proposal to you. My heart goes out to those poor, lost children living on their own in the dungeon. It must be so difficult for them. I was hoping Rugger's group would help bring the children to me, so I can provide them with a home here, and feed them well. It just breaks my heart seeing children scrounging in the dungeon for scraps."
Everyone's face went pale. They knew what intentions the goblins had for the children. But without weapons, what could they do?
"Um... do you have a bathroom here?" asked Caryatid nervously. She was hoping to take the opportunity to explore the palace a little, to gain information for a future assault.
"As a matter a fact we do," replied the Goblin King. "Do you need to use it? I can have one of my subjects escort you."
And so Gulleck, Caryatid, Adrien, and Debbi went off to use the ladies' room, escorted by a bugbear, who led them out of the throne room and around the corner to a nondescript door.
"Here is the latrine. I will wait here for you," hooted the bugbear solemnly.
The latrine was a fairly large room. A few steps led up to a raised wooden platform, on which there was a bench with holes cut in it. The platform was open on one side and a small wheelbarrow sat next to it, caked in dried filth. A terrible sinking feeling began to grow in the adventurers' stomachs.
"Are you done yet?" came the eerie hooting voice of the bugbear from the other side of the door.
"Uh, not quite. Just a minute!" called Adrien.
There was another small door on the other side of the room, and they walked over and opened it. On the other side, they saw a large room that contained an underground garden. Beautiful fruit trees and bushes grew here in crooked rows. Even in the absence of sunlight, gorgeous peaches and apples hung from the branches. Several goblins were gardening here. One was pruning branches, and another was shoveling... something out of another wheelbarrow onto the garden beds.
"Oh no..." murmured Gulleck. "Oh no no no no..."
"Hey!" snapped one of the goblins, looking up from his gardening work. "You're not supposed to be in here!"
"Sorry," Caryatid said, "We just took a wrong turn!"
They went back into the latrine, and then back out into the hall.
"You took a very long time," scolded the bugbear, and led them back to the throne room, where the rest of their party had been making awkward and nervous small talk with the Goblin King.
"Ah, the lovely ladies are back!" cried the King. "How was your journey to the restroom? Was it everything you expected?"
"Everything and more," said Gulleck through a forced grin. "Well, I think we should be off, it was very nice visiting with you..."
"Oh, but you're forgetting something," smiled the Goblin King. "Surely you came to pay tribute to me. No one enters my palace without bringing me tribute."
"Well, we'd love to, but we really don't have any valuables to offer..." began Caryatid, but the Goblin King cut her off.
"That belt you are wearing," he snapped. "That would do nicely. Yes, I should like that belt very much." The twinkle had gone from his eyes now, and his lips were thin.
The jeweled belt Caryatid wore over her robes was a keepsake from one of the first treasures the group had won.
"Oh, this old thing? Oh no, you wouldn't want this... I think maybe we could..."
The Goblin King made a quick shake of his head, and with astonishing speed two bugbears swept up behind the adventurers. Caryatid was locked in a chokehold and Simon was lifted high into the air by a bugbear's tight grip on his neck. The others looked back and forth in panic, but they were outnumbered and unarmed.
"Fine, take it," gasped Caryatid, and the bugbear loosened his grasp on her neck. "I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I was just momentarily taken aback that you would want this trinket." She removed the belt and grudgingly handed it over to the Goblin King.
The smile returned to the face of the Goblin King.
"No hard feelings! Go in peace, and consider my offer. I do so wish to give those children a good home."
The group were led back out through the twisty maze of passages, eventually passing the stuffed bird again.
Simon thought he was on to something. "So it's something to do with the bird, guys!"
"Would you like to make an appointment for a return visit?" asked the bugbear at the entrance. Caryatid scribbled in an appointment for "Any Saturday" for "Debbi and Company".
They left, and the wizard locked doors closed behind them. Just as they were leaving, who should they see coming out of the cave passage but Rugger the dwarf and his Raiders! (Actual random encounter roll!)
"What are you doing here?" accused Gulleck.
"How's it your business? We're here to discuss a business proposal with the Goblin King, that's all."
"About the urchins?" exclaimed Gulleck, shocked. "Don't you know, they turn the kids into goblins?!"
"Uh, I dunno anything about that. I'm just trying to find a profitable gig where I can. He said he'd pay us to escort the kids here, and that's all we're doin'. We ain't responsible beyond that. Now get outta our way, we've got an appointment."
Gulleck and his friends stared aghast as Rugger tried the big doors and found them immovable.
"Hey, open up! It's Rugger's Raiders! We have an appointment!"
"Go away!" hooted a bugbear. "You've already had your audience. Now leave!"
"What're you talking about, ya big galoot? We just got here! Now open up!"
The door shuddered but did not open, and then the bugbear cried, "What have you done to this door? Stop your nonsense at once!"
The adventurers decided this was an excellent time to leave.
When they returned to the Temple of Hedonism they found that most of the hedonists had cleared out. A handful remained, lounging on the beds drinking wine and smoking pipeweed.
"Hey folks, you missed out on one great party. You should join us next time. At least, some of you anyway," said a hedonist with a wink at Brother Chase.
"Is there a regular schedule?"
"Not really, you gotta be part of the club. You should come see Leo at the Stuffed Duck and ask about getting initiated."
Feeling more awkward than ever, the adventurers said their goodbyes and made a hasty escape to the surface realm.
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