Session date: Monday, June 25, 2018
Game date: Dreaming as the days go by
PCs:
Gulleck Stonefoot, Dwarf 7, hp 41, xp 71130/140000
Caryatid, Magic-user 5, hp 24, xp 20046/40000
Simon Sackwell, Halfling 4, hp 15, xp 8797/16000
Adrien, Fighter 3, hp 9, xp 7764/8000
Retainers:
Manley "Meat" Smythe, Fighter 5, hp 17, xp 16623/32000
Father Chase Pike, Cleric 3, hp 13, xp 4129/6000
Orin, Elf 1, hp 4, xp 1830/4000
Jack, Thief 3, hp 10, xp 2511/4800
The party watched with some alarm as Humpty Dumpty tumbled from his perch, fell some fifty feet, and shattered at the base of the enormous brick wall. Then they scurried over to him. It was an awful sight; enormous shards of eggshell lied tangled in clothes in a pool of thick egg white and yolk. Curiously, there were a number of smaller egg-shaped objects lying in the puddle of yolk.
"How dare you?" croaked Humpty Dumpty as they approached. "Just you wait until the King's horses and his men arrive and put me back together. Then you'll be sorry, I should think!"
Ignoring his threats, Gulleck and Simon picked the strange eggs out of Humpty's remains.
"I beg your pardon!" he squawked. "Put those back at once! Oh! I am slain!" And he breathed a last, melodramatic breath.
The adventurers had little time to examine the eggs before an enormous hue and cry was raised. A hitherto unseen yet enormous gate opened in the brick wall and dozens of blue-skinned giants stomped forth. They were accompanied by two dozen giant rhinoceroses, and all were regally arrayed in red and white heraldic dress.
The adventurers were swiftly surrounded by the giants, and one stepped forward and bellowed:
"We come on the King's business to put Humpty Dumpty back together!" Then he spotted the small eggs that Simon and Gulleck were hastily trying to stow away, and shouted, "Stop! Put back those potions of the Exalted Eggcellency which you have taken! Get from this place immediately, or we shall slay you all!"
Well, as usual, the adventurers attempted some sort of awkward parlay, which again as usual turned into insults being slung in both directions, and things went south quite quickly. Several party members decided to make themselves scarce: Simon used his levitation boots to float to the top of the wall away from the fray, Caryatid slipped on her ring of invisibility, and Jack scrambled up a tree and hid in the foliage.
The giants ordered an attack, and it was over in mere seconds. The remaining adventurers were gored by the rhinos or slashed from neck to groin by the giants' enormous axes.
Jack peeped through the leaves of the tree that he was hiding in, and saw his fellow party members sprawled on the grass. But then he realized that he saw no blood and their armor seemed undamaged. Simon descended from the sky and likewise saw that his comrades seemed curiously unharmed. Caryatid faded back into visibility as well and saw that the others were merely unconscious, and were breathing steadily.
The rest of the party members were shaken awake. They were groggy at first and could hardly believe they still lived, but indeed they found themselves unharmed. After collecting themselves, they looked around for the giants and rhinos, but instead saw a gnome, who was in the midst of rolling away one of their barrels of gold coins!
"Hey!" yelled Simon, but the gnome turned and murmured strange words and then gestured at him. A blast of dazzling colors shot from his hand, bowling Simon and Jack over, stunned by the magical lights. The gnome, cackling gleefully, rolled the barrel down the grassy field, back towards the river and the rowboat. Gulleck gave chase, but alas, she lost sight of the gnome and had to return empty-handed. But now the great gate was open and unguarded, and so the adventurers passed beyond the wall and into the forest beyond.
They had not walked long along the forest path when they came to a small wooden sign pointing further along the path and bearing the initials "M.H." Following this sign led them to a clearing, in which unfolded a very odd sight.
There was a strange house, built of all sorts of different materials (brick, wood, plaster, stone, etc.) with windows of all shapes and angles. The chimneys were shaped like rabbit ears, and the roof appeared to be thatched with brownish fur. But the oddest sight lay before the house, where a large table was set on the lawn. The white tablecloth was cluttered with teapots, platters, sugar bowls, pitchers, and many sets of teacups and saucers. There were over a dozen chairs of various mismatched types along the sides of the tables, and several strange creatures were seated at the table. There was a human wearing a tall hat and suit, a rabbit-like humanoid, and a large mouse-like creature that seemed half-asleep and drowsy. But most unexpected of all was the unmistakable visage of the Goblin King, leaning back in an ornate armchair with his boot-clad feet up on the table.
The adventurers' eyes widened as they recognized the Goblin King, as did his as they approached the table.
"No room! No room!" bellowed the Mad Hatter and the March Hare as they approached.
"Nonsense, there's plenty of room," beamed the Goblin King. "These are friends of mine. Well, now, fancy meeting you here!"
"I was about the say the same about you," said Gulleck, perplexed.
"Oh, well, you know, I'm just passing through on my way to greater things. No thanks to you," he scowled. "Oh, I'm just kidding, no hard feelings. It was a bit unsporting, though, how you didn't even give me a chance to fight back. It was all rather embarrassing, frankly!"
The two hobgoblins who had been accompanying the party spoke up at this point. "Your Majesty, we've brought you those children you asked us to guard. We were watching them like you said when the palace fell apart."
"Ah well," said the Goblin King. "It's all a bit moot now. You should probably come with me when this is all over."
He smiled again at the party. "Why don't you sit down and join us? We're celebrating, you know." And he gestured at an enormous cake, covered with frosting and candles. On the frosting was written, "Happy 100th!" [A rather serendipitous bit of fourth wall breakage here.]
The Hatter and the Hare seemed a bit put out at the way the adventurers had been invited to their table but grudgingly gestured for them to sit.
"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" asked the Hatter. While the adventurers attempted to puzzle this one out, the Hatter apparently got bored of his own question and decided to insult them instead.
"What a horrible little creature," he sniffed, looking at Norman, Adrien's giant ferret. "I think a new hat would greatly improve its appearance."
And with that he took his own hat off his head, rummaged within it, and pulled out a floppy woolen cap which he tossed onto Norman's head. In the blink of an eye, Norman stood on his hind legs, grew to six feet tall, and his fur faded away and suddenly he looked identical to Father Chase! He still had the mind of a demonic ferret, however, and when he opened his mouth, nothing but hissing and screeching came out.
The Hatter grinned with mirth and tossed another hat from his own hat onto the head of the real Father Chase (who had mysteriously reappeared alive and well at the beginning of the session). "Here, try this on for size!" This hat suddenly blossomed into an enormous sack-like object that completely engulfed Father Chase, who promptly fell over, rolling on the grass struggling to free himself from the bag that entrapped him.
The March Hare laughed hysterically, the Hatter's grin grew wider, and the sleepy Dormouse merely mumbled, "Could you keep it down, pleazzzzzz..."
"How about you, my dear?" said the Mad Hatter to Caryatid, and before she could react, a black hood landed upon her head. It too suddenly grew larger and engulfed her head, cinching tightly at her neck and constricting her breathing. Caryatid scrabbled at her throat, trying to remove the black hood.
"This feels entirely too familiar," remarked Caryatid's player dryly, still sore years later about the time Caryatid went invisible but still managed to get strangled to death by a berserk hippie.
Yet another hat landed on one of the hobgoblins, and he suddenly stood up ramrod straight and started shouting orders. "Bow down before me, little people, for I am the rightful Goblin King now! And stop this silly business with the hats at once!"
Caryatid's retainer, Jack attempted to sweet-talk the Mad Hatter into removing the hood that was quickly strangling his employer.
"I get it, you like a laugh, I like a laugh, we all like a laugh. But she's much funnier if she's still alive. I'm sure you have an even funnier hat in there that would look better on her."
Well, Caryatid's player rolled really well on a reaction check to see how Jack's attempt went over, so the Hatter paused and considered.
"You do have a point," he said, and whipped the hood off of Caryatid, only to slap a jester's cap on her head. She immediately began to caper and dance, the bells on the cap jingling, and many of the people at the table found themselves doubling over with laughter that seemed to erupt uncontrollably from them.
Orin could feel the situation spiralling out of control, and attempted to cast a Sleep spell on the Hatter, but this didn't work at all. Winking at him, the Mad Hatter leaned over and slapped a hat on the head of the Goblin King, who was busy arguing with his subject over who the true Goblin King was. This turned out to be the same kind of hat of delusional authority that the hobgoblin was wearing, so the argument only redoubled in volume.
"I dare say you'll listen to me now!" exclaimed the Goblin King. "You may believe yourself to be the rightful Goblin King following my untimely death, but I am now the Immortal God Emperor of All Goblins! What do you have to say about that, eh? Ehhhhh!?"
"Quiet, please, some of us are trying to sleep..." murmured the Dormouse, who had his head in the teapot. And the March Hare was simply whooping and hollering with hysterical laughter at the rapidly degenerating scene.
In all the confusion, the adventurers slipped away into the woods to the east of the clearing. Jack pulled the jester's cap off of Caryatid's head and she stopped dancing uncontrollably. I honestly think Father Chase was just left behind again, wriggling helplessly on the ground like a giant cloth caterpillar. (Remarkably similar to his sad fate the prior session!)
The noise of the tea party faded behind them as they moved through the woods. They had not gone very far when they heard the whinny of a horse, and they saw before them an enormous figure mounted on an equally enormous horse. Both man and horse were clad in reddish gold armor. A huge helmet shaped like a horse's head covered the man's head, and from it boomed a hollow voice.
"Do you serve Whitfield or Rosewood? Speak quickly or prepare to withstand my onslaught!"
"Uhhhh... Whitwood!" chirped Caryatid. "I mean, Rosefield!"
The red knight stared down at her in puzzlement. "Speak plainly, wench! Whom do you serve!"
"Rosefield! Er, Whitwood!" protested Caryatid.
"I grow tired of your foolish larks," boomed the knight, and he moved to draw his sword.
Caryatid drew forth the jingling jester's cap and put it on her head. She immediately began to dance a jig, with Marcel the flying monkey dancing along in midair beside her. The red knight stared for a moment, and then began to shake with laughter that boomed out from deep within his armor.
Suddenly, another knight on another horse, both clad in silvery-white armor, came crashing out of the trees and an immense club came smashing down upon the red knight, knocking him off his horse and he lay still on the ground. Gulleck removed the jester's cap from Caryatid and she stopped dancing.
"My lords and ladies," boomed the white knight. "Allow me to see you safe to the end of the wood. There you shall find the manor house in the Eighth Square and you shall be crowned kings and queens of the realm." The adventurers accepted this assistance, and the knight escorted them along the forest path until they emerged to see an elegant house on a small hill. There were livery-clad servants bustling around near the grand doors and signs of much activity within.
As the group approached, they were met by two attractive, regally-adorned women, arrayed in robes of red and of white, respectively, and each wore a gold coronet.
"You have achieved a great triumph in reaching the Eighth Square," said one of the queens. "Join us in the Great Feast Hall for a party in your honor."
Entering the hall, the adventurers found an enormous table set with all sorts of foods and seated at the table were creatures of all sorts. The adventurers were bestowed with golden crowns and given the place of highest honor at the feast table.
Well, the crowns, it turns out were "crowns of delusion" causing the wearers to believe completely in the complex illusion of the feast hall. I gave them all a save vs spells (which I'm not even sure is allowed in the original module) and EVERYONE FAILED! So...
The great feast began, wine was poured, song and poems were recited. The roast joint and a large plum pudding were served. Gulleck and Adrien carved the roast joint (which turned out to be a mimic), and Caryatid and Simon cut the plum pudding (which turned out to be a black pudding), and then all hell broke loose. The adventurers were attacked by all of the "guests" at the party, but because of the delusionary crowns they believed the attacked to be merely the loving touches and kisses from the admiring crowd. They never even realized they were under threat and then they were all dead.
TOTAL PARTY KILL.
Well, not really.
The adventurers awoke on the cold stone floor of a bedroom with stone walls and ceilings. There was a heavy layer of dust everywhere, and cobwebs hung in the corners. A rather gaudy four-poster bed was now moth-eaten and dusty. Scattered on various pieces of elegant furniture were what looked like pieces of "memorabilia" from the dungeon below Idalium: a Hotel Lethia room key, a handful of fake gold from the knockers in the mines, a book of naughty drawings from the Temple of Hedonism, etc. They found a small potion vial labeled "Drink Me" and a dried up cake with "Eat Me" spelled out in nuts. On one wall, a floor to ceiling mirror reflected a weirdly different version of this room, with ivy and vines encroaching the walls, and strange twinkly lights like fireflies drifting around. They puzzled at this mirror, but found no way to pass through it (nor did they want to at this point).
They exited the bedroom and walked down a hall to find themselves in the very room in which they had slain the Goblin King. Here as well, everything was dusty and cobwebbed, and the once elegant furniture was now shabby and threadbare. It seemed that the Goblin Palace had been abandoned for years if not decades. How long had they been gone? They suddenly noticed they were all feeling extremely hungry.
They made their way back to the goblins' treasure vault and found it as they had left it, except that the five barrels of coins were back in the vault as if they had never removed them! An eerie magical twinkling still shimmered around the threshold of the door to the vault. I don't know whether they forgot that they knew the password to deactivate the magic, or if Gulleck was just feeling extra confident in her saving throws, but she just walked into the vault, resisting the magical force that threatened to transform her very being. She pushed the barrels back across the threshold and then walked right back out, successfully resisting the magic once more.
It was somewhat slow going, but they eventually found their way back to the entrance, rolling the barrels along in front of them. The palace halls were no longer lit by torches, but were now dark apart from Simon's magical sword light. Everything was cobwebbed and dusty. The arrow-studded and burnt stuffed ostrich was looking a bit worse for the wear, but they left it behind and passed out of the palace. In the guardroom, the heavy guestbook still lay open, and Caryatid took up her pen and wrote, "The Proper Authorities were here. This place is closed and condemned."
They carefully maneuvered the barrels through the caverns and eventually found their way back to the worked stone of the dungeon halls. Then they escorted the four urchin children back to the urchins' secret hideout in the center of the level. The rest of the urchins were overjoyed to see their friends back after months and months, and even more overjoyed when the adventurers offered them one of the barrels of gold.
And then the party made their way back out of the dungeon. Getting the barrels up the stairs was somewhat difficult, but they eventually made it back to the Rusty Lantern. The guards at the trap door were shocked when they heard the adventurers call up from below to have the rope ladder lowered and the barrels hoisted up. It turned out that they had been missing for almost three months and everyone assumed they had all perished in the dungeon. We joked about how the PCs had all been evicted from their apartments and had to retrieve all their stuff from their various friends (mostly we handwave the PCs' "normal lives" and treat the city as a safe home base but it is fun to joke about it).
The treasure haul from the Goblin King was significant, over 8,000 gold pieces worth of coins and various art objects. Adrien went up to level 4 and Caryatid now had enough XP for level 5, and so 3rd level magic spells are now at her disposal.
"What spell are you going to learn?"
Caryatid's player, doing her best Pitbull impression: "FIREBALL."
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